Wanting...

Burnt out by exhaustion
Of sleepless nights
By heat without end
Of the sun's fading light

Counting the hours
Like pearls on a string
Longing for rest
More than anything

Watching the clouds
Slowly cov'ring the sky
Slowly but steadily
Wish they would stay

Birds singing wearily
On waterless trees
Only blue sky you see
Miles over miles

How much am I waiting
'Though waiting in vain
For the wonderful wetness
Of refreshing cold rain

Lost in confusion

Lost in confusion
In a sea of storm
With my heart feeling icy
To a sun shining warm.

Lost in confusion
Loads to worry about.
Just - there is no escape
Or an easy way out...

Lost in confusion
In a world far to fast
Run to exhaustion
Do you think I can last?

Lost in confusion
Yet a smile on my face
You might not believe it,
But I'll win this race!

new life!

25th of March - THE SINGLE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!
I would never have thought it. I know. After this experience I can only say again and again how glad I am that my parents didn't rise me in Christian faith - because otherwise I would never have been able to consciously live the best moment of my life! I always talked against infant baptism because I felt that a child should be able to decide for itself. (though I guess it is not too bad in the end, just for me personally I think it was good not to have been baptised as a baby).

I know - you are supposed to get your new life when you get baptised. Go into the water as a sinner and come out with the new life Jesus gave you. But I would never ever have believed that it feels so true! So real! This one little moment - when you are put under the water - and when you come out again as a different person... FEELING the presence of Christ - KNOWING that God is real - that God is there... As if with this little gesture, those seconds I spent covered with water, washed all my pain and burdens away - and all that stayed was life! As if all the bad things that left their scars in my life got healed - and what stayed was a happy person. Genuinely happy. Feeling a peace nothing could ever destroy.

The service itself was great, too! It all went so fast, though it must have been the hour long that it usually is... ( Here you can download the sermon from that day - only a very short one, ten minutes - I am mentioned in the end of it - it would be the one from the 25th of March by Reverend Ken Walton - theme: "armchair supporters") I was allowed to choose a song - and there are so many good songs, but the one I chose is Shout to the Lord - a lovely song - which then was the opening song for the service.
We had this portable baptistery in our church, filled with water the night before to warm it up to room temperature. We desperately tried to heat the water before, but sadly the hot water supply ran out of hot water... and it was freezing! We were two people who got baptised - and I guess the first thing we thought when we stood in the pool was "I honestly don't want to lie down in this..." But it was the most amazing feeling ever - and in the end everything was over that fast, that I didn't even have much time to feel cold...

A few pictures (I might add more at a later date, however, at the moment I only have very few photos myself...)

This is our Chaplain, me and our Reverend standing inside the baptistery just before I got baptised - while I am being asked if I want to do it...

This is me - after I was out of the baptistery again while the other girl was being baptised...




















me and two friends :)

me and a few more friends...

After the baptism I stayed with friends for lunch, actually spent the whole day there. It was a lovely sunny day. Each second of the day was lovely, perfect. If anything was ever perfect in my life, then it was this day! In the evening there was an event in the Guild Hall in Preston that we went to, a Christian band playing songs, a preacher from Los Angeles doing a fantastic sermon. The emotional moment when the second last song the band played at the end of the evening was "Shout to the Lord" giving the day a perfect ending.

And all I have left to say is
THANK GOD!

Living forgiveness...

Let go of the ones you love
Just as I had to let go of you.
If they come back
They were always yours.
If they don't
They never were
Just as you were never really mine.

Living forgiveness,
How great does that sound?
And how incredibly far away
From what seems possible.
If I hate you,
People will understand.
If I hate her,
People will agree.
Do I have the right to hate?
In the end,
All she tried to do
Was being with the one
Who wasn't ever mine anyway!
Is that wrong?
There are many ways that lead to success.
But not all of them are good.
There would have been a different path,
A different action.
But if he wasn't mine,
Who gives me the right
To have wanted to keep him?

And now I am free,
More than I ever was.
Living my life
With this marvellous feeling
Of living forgiveness.

belief

I have come as a light to shine in this dark world, so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the dark. (John 12:46)

God is

The empty tree near the lake

That catches your eye with its beauty

When you haste past

Trying not to be late.

God is

The cool wind that makes you

Stop and look up

To see the sun set behind the house

Just in front of you.

God is

That little moment of silence

Before the storm

Before the challenge

Before the start of the day

God is

That sudden feeling of warmth

That wraps around you

Like the sun

You fail to see.

God is

That little injection

Of energy

And unconditional love

You receive without asking.

God is

The little ray of light

That shines from the sky

On cloudy days

To keep you moving.

God just is...

Christmas

Christmas what are you?

Pleasure and fun?

Emptiness, loneliness

And a massive toy gun.

Christmas what are you...

To people in the streets?

Love, friendship, happiness?

Loss of hope and believe.

Christmas what are you...

In countries of war?

Silence, peace, freedom?

A night without dawn.

Christmas what are you...

More than a dream...

Of smiles and acceptance

One might never see?

Christmas what are you...

In days like these?

A little light shining somewhere

In a thousand different ways!

mutation

Five to seven on an ordinary evening
One like many others
Seemingly doomed to be forgotten
As thousands before
Wind softly blowing through the golden
Leaves falling from the trees
Gathering in little huddles
Making fugacity seem so alive
So young
And yet so old
Just having fun
Presumably
Until the death of an innocent man
Changed everything

preston crime scene

When I came out of the Aikido-building yesterday I was about to go home on my usual way. But - this was blocked. I saw two police cars, so I still didn´t expect anything serious. I walked towards the parking next to the 53° as walking through there is shorter, but when I reached the stairs there were a few police men and a "crime scene - don´t cross" line. Great. So I just walk around the parking, it is not that much longer. Walked a bit further, where at the end of the street there were another couple of police cars. Turned around the corner and saw through the trees an ambulance and more police on the parking. OK - a crime scene.
Then I went to my room, went to the Black Horse, walked to the safety bus with Geneviève, but when it didn´t turn up we had to walk past the uni (Adelphi building I think) And on this side of the street - really a long way away - there were - crime scene lines! I hadn´t expected that. It was about 5 hours later than when I had first seen them. So we walked, tried to have a look. This enormous area was surrounded with those lines and police men making sure nobody walks through. Where I had seen the ambulance earlier now there was a blue tent (being the Forensic Scientist I suppose they had to make sure weather won´t destroy any evidence due to rain etc. :) - but I have never seen anything like it before).
I wonder what happened there, can´t find anything on the Internet yet - but this must have been something really big and serious.

safety bus sucks!

It is acceptable that buses run late - yes - there can always be a bit of traffic (you would expect a lot of traffic in the middle of the night, wouldn´t you?) But if the university classifies Preston as dangerous and gives students the chance to use a free savety bus to get to their homes, then this bus should at least turn up!
There was supposed to be one at 1:30 (you wish!!!!!) and at 2 (dito.....) - well, we waited for more than an hour and there was NOTHING apart from more students gathering, waiting.
Almost 3am now - and I am finally back in my room. So thanks to the uni - without your offer of a savety bus I would have happily safely made it back to my room two hours ago!

emptiness

Some of you might recognise this story - from the pre-sessional course. I thought it was not bad, so I decided to put it online.
Task: Write a monologue for one of the people on the picture!

Desert, nothing but desert! Ever since I left nothing but sand over sand over sand. The shadow of fear is slowly climbing up my body, has almost reached my heart. Emptiness! Not a sign of life for days. Just the monotone walk, one after the other..... I was the fifth of thirteen, now I am the first of nine. Not sure how many of us will make it to the end if ever that should be the case. We didn´t have time to bury the bodies – THEY are coming after us. I don´t know what they are but I know for sure that I don´t want to meet them.

Sunshine always. Bright light from the sky blinding me, no clouds. I knew the plain would be enormous but imagining the size of this is more than my brain is capable of doing.

Water! Water! No drink for days and feel how energy is slowly leaving my tired body. How much longer? Just continue walking. If I fall it will be the end. Nobody will pick me up just as nobody picked up the ones before me. A skeleton every so often is the only evidence of life long gone. Will I end up as one of them? Leafless trees, more dead than alive, are the only thing we sometimes see. Take a rope and hang myself? But then – I am already more a shadow of my soul than a living man. Will I find the land of my ancestors? Stories, more like fairy tales. That is all I know about it. I knew where I would go. Knew what I should expect ever since I signed for this task – but this is more than I could have ever thought of.

Do I have a chance?

Does any one of us have a chance of success?

evidence

Great practical - fingerprints this time (as you can see on the pictures).
Sadly my camera is not the best, so the photos are not too good - but you can imagine what it is supposed to look like!
The first set of prints were actually the second ones I took - from a piece of wood that I just touched for a second.




The following prints were taken from a little plastic cup that I touched - amazing how little contact is enough to leave those (clear?!) marks.....




Geneviève´s fingerprints - the colour is horrible - some of it still sticks to my fingers..... even though I washed them hundreds of times. We felt like criminals taking each other´s prints after doing the lifts of our evidence. But it was loads of fun!

visitor

chatted to my online friend Issy yesterday - and she might come to see me for her holidays in two weeks time (only her parents have to say yes first.....) - so that would be great!

some art

Skills for Forensic Scientists - practical - "american sperms have bigger heads and nothing in them"

Had another meeting with the creative writing society and actually did some writing.

Apart from that the day was just running around trying to get to lectures in time. Luckily Geneviève knew we would need our lab coats for the practical - so in the hour between lecture and practical - running home, get the lab coat, run back, eat, find the room for the practical (and end up being in the wrong one first.....- I am so tired and stressed out - I really need a holiday.

Only 30 days though until the Ring*Con



Just told my parents that I will stay in Preston during my Christmas holidays. So that will be the first Christmas I will spend completely on my own without anybody else.

Firealarm...

..the second time in a week! This time from the other kitchen in this cluster. Someone just burnt something.
Last time we actually had a fire - in the kitchen opposite my room. Don´t know how they managed to set their frying pan to fire - but the flames were fairly high. One of them just left an empty frying pan with a plastic spoon-thing in on the oven - forgot to turn it off (men.....). Well, at least then we knew how the fire alarm sounds and that the fire extinguisher worked! I don´t think I ever saw one being used before - so this was new to all of us. We were three in the kitchen then (I had come to find out what was going on and help) and one of them knew how to use it. Pressed this thing you have to press - it made a weird noise, the fire had gone and the whole kitchen was covered with white powder. Snow in Summer.....!
We had to open the door leading to the fire exit - how lucky that is close to the kitchen! Everything was full of smoke, horrible smell (of the plastic which had melted), toxic....
Raining outside. The one who was responsible for the fire decided that it is an excellent idea to just stand in the rain for a long time until I had talked long enough to make him come back in (was I that annoying..... :) ?) We cleaned the kitchen, but, well, we are students, so until the cleaners come on Wednesday you can still see the left overs of the fire.

footprints

from the back:

from the front:

We had such a great practical on Thursday! This is amazing - every time I come out of a lecture or practical I think to myself that I definitely chose the right subject! I LOVE studying, I think since I came to England there was not a single thing I learned that I didn´t absolutely enjoy!

In our first "real" practical we took a footprint cast and a screwdriver cast - so so great! Now I have a cast of my own footprint on my windowsill - whatever that is good for. Next Thursday we will do fingerprint lifts - so you better take care of what you do when you are around me - I will know it was you..... :)




Apart from that I have just been rushing around from one place to the other, from one meeting to the next trying to get everything sorted. Too many things. Why do I always get involved in too many things?

I assume that it will calm down a bit during the next few weeks. Once I have my timetable sorted and planned my days it will be better.


Now I am slightly ill. But it will pass. Just two hours of lecture tomorrow, so I will have another day to rest.

the eternal

Emptiness!

Nothing but ever returning emptiness

filling even the tiniest piece of emotion there possibly is.

Reaching for pain – to become happy?

Knowing it will hurt?

Desire it to hurt?

Trying to discard any feeling of happiness that might randomly occur

just to be even more depressed than I was already.

Frustrating piece of writing

just putting silly words into

useless sentences without order

to be able to – not get over it anyway,

so why bother?

Darkness is light,

destruction is life.

Is there anything real out there?

Everything fades eventually

leaving -

emptiness

emptiness again!

Nothing but ever returning emptiness!

light.....

no darkness without shadows

no tunnel without end

no fortune without sorrow

and desperation shakes my hand

never-ending stories

and tales of childhood dreams

trying to hide my worries

to no avail - it seems

silently floating above the clouds

magical and bright

vainly trying to reach the ground

tiny ray of light

CLOSEDOWN

I'm running out of time
I'm out of step
and closing down
and never sleep for wanting hours
the empty hours of greed
and uselessly
always the need
to feel again the real belief
of something more than mockery
if only I could
fill my heart with love

(by The Cure)

Promises

Wiktionary: "A transaction between two persons whereby the first person undertakes in the future to render some service or gift to the second person or devotes something valuable now and here to his use"

That simple?

What is a promise more than a few sentences?

Just empty words with nothing behind?

Promise something, just so that the other one is satisfied?

Misuse it – to get rid of someone´s silly questioning?

A promise you would keep without needing to make it in the first place is useless.

But then it is so much more if your promise is worth being kept;

if you are trusted and believed in;

because suddenly it makes sense;

because suddenly there is something to lose if you break it.

Suddenly you realise how much your life would be different – if you hadn´t made that promise.

How your behaviour and everything around the situation changed, even though it is hard in times.

Which is actually what makes the promise worth something.

Realising where you would be without it.

Being thankful to know that you are not alone.

Knowing that someone listens.

Thank you!

Went to Aikido yesterday - to participate this time. Great! All of it. I prefer these techniques to those I learned in Judo a long time ago. The best is the sword-fighting-part in the end. Using Asian wooden swords to reveal where the movements come from.

Finally filled in the application form for the London Marathon with some help from one of the Aikidoka (=Japanese word, meaning person who is doing Aikido). I will send that off today. Not sure if it was a good idea. Once it is sent I don´t have a choice but to train. Nevertheless I hope to be accepted.

Afterwards I went home, took a quick shower and went to the Black Horse to watch Geneviève work there for the first time. I stayed until it was closed and everybody was thrown out - then waited until they had done the cleaning up. All the staff seem to be nice people. Hope she gets the job! It really is a very good pub.

I found out that nobody cares at all whether or not I attend lectures, so I decided to miss one (in November) - and book my flight to Germany - to go to this festival (click me) Gosh - this will be so so so so so great! I have been looking forward to that since I bought the ticket a year ago. So now finally knowing that I will be there was just - more than I find words for. Sadly though I won´t be able to take my sword. It might not be a problem to get it there in the first place if I put it in my suitcase, hoping that nobody will take it. But due to new safety regulations I might not get access to some parts of the festival if I am carrying my sword. So I will just leave it here (it is in Kent at the moment anyway).

I singned up for the Film Society and the Creative Writing Society. Will go to a meeting of the Skydiving Society next week, but that costs a lot, so I don´t think I will be able to afford that, at least not this year. Though it is cheaper than doing it by myself if I join the club. My parents were going to get me a parachute jump for my next birthday - so I might ask them to get me the first training with the society instead - then I can join them in my second year.

REST IN PEACE LITTLE MAXINE
WE WILL MISS YOU!

A better day.....

Watching football with my flatmates. Amazing how ManU managed to win - Benfica played so much better!

Bought a package of roibosh tea today as I was slowly running out of the other one :)

Found out that someone important to me got a job - which is good news and makes me happy.

Geneviève - you are so funny! Had to start laughing when I got your text message in ASDA -> leading to `someone´ looking at me and probably thinking I am crazy!

Had a great first lecture today! Forensic Science definitely was the right choice! I am so much looking forward to the first practical in Crime Scene Science and also the lessons we will have on photography - taking pictures using the best digital cameras available!

Being thankful for some little comments and emails!

In total - this was a good day!

What is the secret that makes students want to go to loud, overfull clubs with horrible music where they won´t be able to understand each other, where they won´t be able to even find a little bit of space for themselves - rather than going into a quiet little pub where they could actually have a conversation and spend an enjoyable evening together?
Is it normal that the only part of university life I like so far is the "going to lectures and learn" - part?

"Looking forward to seeing you next semester - it is always nice to work with first class chemists!"

Planning to start training for a marathon tomorrow - and see how far I get

Going to help paint the church ceiling next week - something I have never done before

Applied for a job to teach school children five hours a week - in whatever subject I would be asked to teach - and am now waiting for them to get back to me

____________________________
____________________________


Wandering around through darkness

Hours and hours long gone

Alone in the shadows and mirthless

Trying to simply feel home

Inevitable confusion and dolour

Searching for a way to be free

Live – for once without

Infinite emptiness

Feel for a second

Equally sorrowless!

I am not on the list for extra chemistry classes - so does that mean my results were good? I actually knew something?
What great news!

Had to buy loads of laboratory equipment today and can`t wait to use it all, put on the white coverall and look like a real CSI, walking around in fake crime scenes!

What did I say? I didn´t get the job! But, well, I´ll find something else.

Luckily all other problems got sorted.
Why do I always worry if there is no reason to?

Emailed Macmillan Cancer Support to ask if I can join their team to run a marathon. Didn´t get an answer yet, but why should they say no? So I suppose I will have to start my training soon.

Stayed up and watched The Ring with basically everybody who lives in the same cluster plus a few more. They were noisy, so I couldn´t have slept anyway. Now they will go downstairs where we have the pool table. I just hope they won´t wake me up when they come back to their rooms.
Generally I think they are nice people. Just as I thought when they asked me to come out with them one evening. They only ought to reconsider their attitudes concerning noise.
So good that I won´t have to get up early in the morning. Maybe I can get some sleep tonight.

Why?

Great morning at first - everything seemed to work out for once. But guess what? I shouldn´t have trusted it. Never stays. There is darkness after every ray of light. There is always a cloud to cover the sun.

Horrible night - waking up thousands of times, having weird dreams I can´t remember. Don´t think I really slept well the last few days. Maybe never, but maybe it is that normal that I don´t even realise any more.

Worries over worries over worries.

And waiting, always waiting without knowing what I am actually waiting for. Crossing out each day in the calender, glad it is over. Not so much on some days, but in general. Despite not knowing what to look forward to - on some days, in some hours. Or should I better say rarely knowing?

I hope I get that job - would be perfect. However, knowing my luck I will probably be turned down. Don´t know if it would be the right thing for me to do anyway. I might have left a good impression on her in the interview, might have had good ideas. But at the moment it feels as if I failed - once again.

Having written a silly chemistry evaluation test. Not sure what it was good for. There was nothing new in it - just the fact I hadn´t done any chemistry in three years - so not having been able to answer some of the questions. I suppose it doesn´t matter - to anyone but me!

All you can eat - for some people that really seems ALL you can eat. Good food - but I feel hungry again now.

Having bought the first christmas present for someone and being out for coffee as well as in the Gallery with a friend. At least I have friends!

Coming back in the evening and everything is a mess.
People in my house noisy - but I put on music. Loud depressing music - to help me - feel even more depressed. And angry! Great! Still noisy now, even though it is past ten pm. I suppose I will have to put up with that. Just wonder what some students think university is there for. Getting drunk and annoying others?

Why can´t I live alone?

Why do Lloyds not do standing order mandates if they are not on a monthly basis?

Why does the DVLA want a signature they don´t need?

Having some roibosh tea - now I am just depressed.
Kept my promise!

And am nearly falling asleep.